The Unlived Life is Not Worth Examining

From pop-culture to philosophy -- there is no limit to what can be made fun of.

*%&*%$@!!!
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lochjar

I don't want to seem like a moron...but my Mama always taught me never to be ashamed of what I am, so....YEP.  I'm a moron.  But the reason I'm a moron is because for the life of me I can't seem to figure out how to upload a user pic.  I go to the upload a userpic thing, I click Browse, I select my picture, and then it says error and the box where the picture is supposed to go is empty, and.....
Well, I'm hopeless.
But this hopeless moron needs your help!  So if you'd like to donate 5,000 dollars for me to grow a brain, that would be helpful. Thank you.



Spiderman says;
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lochjar

Wait a sec!  My give a fuck senses aren't tingling!!

(I saw this online and I couldn't resist.)  :))



Oops, almost forgot. Judgment day's tomorrow.
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lochjar

Everybody mark your calenders (be they digital or old-fashioned) because tomorrow's....JUDGEMENT DAY!!!  I can't believe I almost forgot! 

To mark the special occasion, I'm getting up early tomorrow and cooking a nice breakfast for the whole family.  I'll dress in my best clothes and I'll probably shave my legs and put on makeup, you know...don't want to look like a hag when the rapture happens.  I wonder why everybody's clothes are always neatly folded after they disappear into heaven?  Oh, well.  I'll make sure to iron my shirt as well.  I'll also have to make sure I don't go to the bathroom at all tomorrow so I'm not on the toilet when Jesus comes.


And I'd better call my neighbor Betsy and remind her about next week's...oh, wait!  Never mind.  I don't have to do that.  Because there will be no tomorrow after tomorrow!  Well, tha'ts one thing I don't have to worry about. 

And at the end of the day I'll sit on the porch drinking tea and waiting for the world to disappear into a flaming fireball. 



What's green and slippery?
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lochjar
A green slipper.

The Fridge Fixer Guy Taught Me About Irony
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lochjar
Here's your daily dose of irony for you.  Fridge got itself broked the other day.  I stuck my hand in there and waved it around, but NO COLD AIR.  Called the mechanic guy.  (Of course, being a fridge fixer guy, I told him I needed him there before 10 o' clock.  I said it was absolutely imperitave that he not come any later than that.  And...he showed up at 12.)  And the fridge fixer guy fixed it for me.
The funny thing is, he told me the reason it wasn't pumping cold air anymore is because the heater had broken.  So my fridge wasn't cold anymore...because the heater broke?  He explained the whole process to me and I could explain it to you if you want, but it's still pretty funny. 
Oh, and don't forget.  There's a moral to this story, just like there is to every story.
The moral is....
If you want a fixer guy to come at 10, tell him to come at 7.  Works every time.

Writer's Block: Dynamite with a laser beam
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lochjar
What's your favorite line from a song, and why?

"You're so vain...you probably think this song is about you."  -- Carly Simon.

And...

"Moondogs howl for the century."  -- Bush.

There is no reason.  They're just awesome.  And yes, I listed two.  You know my lawyer's number if you want to sue me.

Facebook friends....stop getting hacked!! It's flooding my page!
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lochjar

Facebook rules you really shouldn't break:

1)  Don't click on random stuff.  Ever.  Want to know how many people viewed your profile?  Your top followers?  How many times has John Smith commented on your stuff?  Sure, go ahead.  Click the link.  Next thing you know you've just sent 50 messages to everyone on your friends list telling them to go to Wal-Mart to cash in on the newest deal.  YOU'VE BEEN HACKED.  And it happens everyday, a million times a day, and it's happened to every one of your friends.  I got hacked once.  And I've never been hacked again, because I changed my network to secure and now I don't click on random stuff.  Don't get hacked more than once.  Actually learn from the first time.  Otherwise you're spamming your friends with your stupidity.

Well, that's Rule Number One.  I'm leaving it at Number One for now because that's the most important rule right there.  Maybe I'll write more later.  But I'm tired of logging into Facebook and seeing; "Someone has a crush on you!  Click on this link to meet that person!!!"

Now all I need is some of my Facebook friends to find me on LJ so they can see this.



Fancy restaurants SUCK. I know, I work at one.
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lochjar

I work at Maple Tree Inn so I know all about fancy restaurants.  This is why I get my food at the local pizza place that charges five bucks for pizza, instead of going to a fancy restaurant that charges $36 for a salad and a whole lot of empty plate.  Here's the reasons;

1)  20 dollars for a soup that we get out of a box, mix it up, and throw it in the microwave.  Seriously.  Then we pour some mustard on the top and make it look all fancy shmancy, put it in a nice bowl, and voila!  It's still just microwave soup.  The salad (but no, the menu doesn't call it "salad" it's called "Iceberg Wedge with Merlot on the Side.") is 20 dollars also, and this is how we prepare it.  We get out some cabbage.  Slice it in half.  Stick half of it (only half of it, which isn't even that much) on a giganitic plate, pour carrots on it, pour bacon on it, some onions, dressing from the fridge, and there is your 20 dollar Iceberg Wedge.  I could prepare that at home.  Except, I could make more of it and make it taste better.  Seriously, people!

2)  Guess what?  Yesterday a customer asked for a Diet Coke.  We didn't have any Diet Cokes.  So we poured some Diet PEPSI into a glass and served it to him.  And if you ask for a Diet whatever and we don't have Diet?  Yep, you're going to get regular old whatever.  I'm not saying this happens everywhere.  But it does happen where I work.

3)  Ask for an extra knife and you will be frowned upon.  Ask for extra dressing and the boss will make fun of you in the kitchen.  Say that your salmon is a little undercooked, and you will be shunned.  Yes, my boss will plaster a smile on her face while she's talking to you, but as soon as you're gone she's going to complain about you to everybody she knows.  Out in the dining room you are referred to as Mrs. Savio, in the kitchen you are referred to as "Health Nut."  Or "Bald Guy."  Just saying.

4)  We don't start cooking your entree until you are done with your appetizer.  That is why you are sitting there for twenty minutes staring at an empty table.  I know, it doesn't make sense to wait until the last second to cook the food.  But that's why fancy restaurants are stupid.

5)  The homemade country soup?  Not homemade.  Came from a can.  Trust me, I was there when the cook poured it.

So the real question is -- why bother?  Over 50 dollars to sit there, staring at an empty table for ages, listening to bad classical music, waiting for food that is overpriced and tastes like stuff from home.  And they charge $1.00 for a la mode.  Which is fancy speak for one scoop of ice cream from the tiniest ice cream scooper they have.  1 dollar for an ice cream scoop the size of a nickel!!  Just go to McDonalds, folks.  You can get a burger and a sundae and a drink and fries (all of them very tasty) for under 5 dollars.  At Maple Tree Inn all you can get for five dollars is a tomato.
 



Writer's Block: Merlin revisited
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lochjar
If you were granted unlimited magic powers for just five minutes, what would you do?

Gosh, 1203 answers already?  I guess I can write anything I want right here then, if nobody's going to read it.  If I had unlimited magic powers for five minutes I would like to erase some parts of my memory.  I would erase all the knowledge of the best books I've ever read, that way I could go back and read those books again, except it would be like the first time.  And I could be surprised all over again.  Sort of a stupid wish but I don't know anybody who would make a smart, logical wish upon being given unlimited power.  And if I coudn't erase my memory or whatever then I'd like to change all the clocks in the world to show different times.  Just to mess with everybody's head for a day.

Thinking about smoking? Read Twilight instead. It's just as unhealthy.
Anime kiss
lochjar

Now I know what all you are thinking.  How can your good friend Lochjar channel her complaining energies into something productive?  Why not complain about something we all hate?
So, from my special segment called Complaining Corner, I'm going to whine about...
TWILIGHT.
Now I will admit.  There is something addictive about the writing.  Addictive the same way a cigarette is addictive.  It tastes bad, it makes you look bad, and it's unhealthy.  Smoking and Twilight are also similiar in the way that they will;

A)  Turn your skin gray.
B)  Give you a zombie-like appearance.
C)  Make people avoid you like the plague.

As much as I love being avoided like the plague, I'd like to read a Vampire book that doesn't suck.  (You think that joke is terrible?  You don't know terrible until you read these books.)
Here are some things I hated about Twilight.  Stephanie Meyer has a pronoun fetish (literal translation; she worships pronouns) so that during all four books, you will see the word "Edward" about three times, and the word "he" about forty bzillion times.  (Bzillion.  Literal translation -- a lot.)
And the character Bella.  Typical Mary Sue.  You can tell because it's written in first-person, a good way for the author to just write whatever she's thinking and pretend it's her character speaking.  Look, Stephanie Meyer.  If you're so great, just write an auto-biography.  It seems to me like you wrote this book from your POV and then went back and changed all the "Stephanies" to "Bellas."
Now I'm a writer.  And I know that some characters are outgoing, and some are introverted.  (Introverted -- slow to make friends, needing a long time to get used to people, and most often would rather be at home than out and about meeting people.)  But that's because most introverts are uncomfortable around people.  Or afraid of other people.  Bella just thinks she's better than everybody.  The thing that annoyed me most in the books was how she had a group of normal friends who, like, loved her, and she blew them off and took advantage of them.  And I'm supposed to like this??
I'll continue my rant on Twilight later.  But if you'd like to know my opinion (which, of course, you don't...but who asked you anyway??) then just read Hunger Games.  Lots of action, a PLOT (Twilight, ever heard of this?) and a really cool girl character who fights for her life in an arena without rules, but somehow manages to do the right thing. (WITHOUT being preachy or good two-shoes about it)  She's definitely someone to root for.  So please, don't scare away your friends and family by picking up a Twilight book.  Seem like a macho chick for reading Hunger Games instead.

 



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